I am planning an underground tortoise and hare race. It will take place in a shady warehouse where cigars will be smoked and the bouncers will be so secure in their sexuality they will have a heart that says Dad tattooed on their raging bicep (instead of Mom, even though they love their moms), but they will be so buff and scary no one will even question it. Anyway, it will be the race of our generation. To prove it, all in attendance will occupy the warehouse and blast Deadmaus5 for days and days eventually roasting the tortoise and hare on a spit for nourishment. Except it won't be the tortoise or the hare, but that weird bark substitute that vegans like. We will certify the tortoise and hare organic and fair trade... ensuring works rights. If the race goes on for more than two hours they get a 15 min break every 4 hours. We will also pay both living wages. Please place your bets. Yes, I'm talking to you, Aesop.